4 years ago, a girl came into the studio I was working at to interview for a position. She was beautiful, charming, funny, and completely qualified. In fact, she was so wonderful, that I didn’t want to hire her. I was the alpha female at the studio, and certainly didn’t need any competition. This was probably fueled by the fact that I was so insecure that my then boyfriend would find her more desirable than me.
Well, this girl wasn’t having it.
She knew instantly that her and I were meant to be friends, and despite my efforts to keep her out, it didn’t take long for her to penetrate my icy exterior and become - hands down - the greatest friend I would ever know.
Thank you for fighting for me.
In recent years, I have found myself clinging to people and memories that I wanted to remain a part of my life. Poison that I didn’t need. When reflecting on this recently, I realized that all of the people in my life now, are there because they want to be. And because they want the best for me.
And that’s really the only way it should be.
Leave it to my best friend to teach me this important lesson. She has known all along that I can do better, am worth more, and should be a part of something effortless because I deserve it.
Leave it to me to learn it 4 years late.
And I really just want a glass of wine right now. Like, it’s dumb. I read it takes 3 weeks to break a habit. Mind over matter, blah blah blah. It’s probably bullshit, but at least that gives me a target timeframe to work with. I think I should probably just sit in my cocoon of an apartment, and ignore all of mankind to break the unhealthy and expensive habits, and create new crazy ones. Ones where I talk to myself, or to a plant or something. Maybe this will help me save enough money to get out of debt? Or at least start saving some? All of the side effects of this are positive. I will be healthy, stronger, and rich. But it doesn’t change the fact that if I had wine at my desk, I would drink it right now. Fortunately (or unfortunately), I’m all out of work wine.
In one month and 15 days, I will be back home. Facing the reality of my life with those closest to me. I have a desperate need to return with my head held higher than it was before. When I returned home last time, I didn’t know who I was, where I was going, or what I wanted. I’m returning this time with my feet on slightly more solid ground, but there is much more to accomplish before I have another conversation in person with my mother, or see my ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend.
One month, 15 days
-stop drinking on a daily basis - don’t be afraid of your beautiful, sober mind.
-no smoking - seriously, it’s disgusting, and you only do it when you’re drunk, which is for some reason, always.
-journal daily - you know how good this is for your mental health, so just shut up and do it.
-create something daily - draw, cut, paste, color.
-exercise - like really though.
-go on a date with a stranger - or several, and don’t be afraid to get a little slutty.
One month, 15 days to reaffirm and reinstate all of the qualities that I have love in myself from one time or another.
I’m alone in London.
Well, of course I’m not actually alone - I’m surrounded by over 8 million people here in London. People who walk 4 wide on a sidewalk. People who apologize when they bump into you on the tube. People who get piss drunk at 4:30pm because they are already off work. People who don’t know me, but who have only ever offered me smiles and kind words.
I feel more alive in this city the second time around, and without a single friend, then I did in LA.
The last time I was here, all I wanted was to be back in LA where I knew my life. But once I had returned to the states, I realized I am much more lonely next to the friends who no longer know me, then in a city full of strangers. Strangers, who are ready to accept whichever version of me I choose to be.
I love that this city makes me feel things.
I love that I’m brave enough to be here on my own.
I love that I don’t have a routine here right now.
I love that I get to be me here.
I suppose this year of traveling has made it clear to me that I am in a season of change. And while this year has been more difficult than I could have anticipated, I have survived worse. And I am on a path to a better life, and a happy home. And the best part is, that home will be wherever I make it.