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Wed, 01 May 2013 20:25:50 -0700

Taking the long road

Wed, 20 Mar 2013 13:41:39 -0700

No decisions can be undone. There is a history of the immeasurable choices we make, and while we cycle them out of our minds so that only the freshest decisions remain, should the need present itself, we can remember back.

These decisions, good or otherwise are often reminders of split paths. My life is a long and winding spiderweb of paths. The road I take is constantly split, and I find that once heading in one direction, I often end up back on the road I started on. Perhaps life is nothing more then a series of recycled choices.

When we boil it down, all of life that really exists is a series of yes’s or no’s. Do you like this? Yes. Do you want to stay here? No. Do you love him? Yes. Can you survive like this? No.

It’s a cruel question and answer game. Each answer leads me no where.There are no short cuts here. I have no choice but to take the long road.

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Mon, 04 Mar 2013 07:41:09 -0800

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Sun, 03 Mar 2013 22:36:55 -0800

I want it all.

Mon, 10 Dec 2012 22:20:04 -0800

Choosing a career above all else has never been a goal of mine. I have consistently believed that women can have it all. A love, a family, a life…I am now beginning to think that one can have all of these things, but in stages. I have yet to find a balance that incorporates these three pieces of happiness into one whole. Perhaps it is still achievable - I like to think that it is. But as I age and priorities shift, the fundamental lessons I have learned ring more true than ever. Happiness comes from within. It is a choice. It starts with me. Peace of the mind and the body bring health and growth to other parts of life. All good things start with a solid foundation. To put work above all else means sacrificing happiness in some other way. I, for one, have known too much pain to sacrifice a single shred of happiness. And so I am encouraged to continue on this adventure in search for a happiness I have yet to find….And I think I’m going to get there…I think I might be close.

You can say that I'm a dreamer

Wed, 31 Oct 2012 21:54:33 -0700

“Follow your dreams,” They say.

This statement is presented as an absolution of living. If you aren’t doing this, you are failing.

They don’t tell you everything.

Something as romantic as following your dreams is often a misguided illusion or a set up for failure. Dreams are often shallow, vain, and selfish.

I would suppose, that is the point of dreaming. That these dreams are yours, they belong to you. No one can take them from you, and if you let them, they must never have meant to you what they should mean to you.

I have followed my dreams.

They are selfish.

And what They don’t tell you, is that dreams are often lonely.

That the safety of the known is a different kind of dream. And that doesn’t make it any less real, or any less selfish.

That staying in a place that keeps you from taking risks and making mistakes is just as selfish as taking the risks in the first place.

The real truth comes when you choose a path of selfishness and you are forced to decide to choose the path you can see, or the path that you can’t.

When you decide that the life you are living is enough of a dream. Or you realize that no life will ever live up to the adventure of throwing all dreams away.

That is when you will understand.

Then, you beat the dream. You find it. You live it. You die understanding no dream will ever match the greatness of the uncertainties of life. And that surrendering to life is perhaps the best dream

Life is the dream that never ends.

A Modern Fairytale

Tue, 30 Oct 2012 21:44:46 -0700

There once was a princess

Who didn’t need saving

She knew what she wanted

And showed up to claim it

She lived a good life

And loved who she was

But could never find someone

To love as she does

She wanted a prince

To stand by her side

Instead every prince

Seemed foolish with pride

All wanted a princess

Who had a pet dragon

Who was codependent

And lived life on the wagon

To find love, it seemed

Should not be so hard

But it is when you find

Not all want your heart

This princess she knows

That she doesn’t need saving

She’s ready for love

And has no dragon for slaying

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Tue, 28 Aug 2012 12:53:00 -0700

Walking on Broken Glass

Sun, 26 Aug 2012 13:28:00 -0700

My heart has shattered.

Though the cracks have been present for quite some time, when the hammer was finally swung, the intensity of the blow was a surprise. Cracks have an interesting way of spider webbing across a surface. No matter how much you wish to contain them, slowly they crawl across the rest of the solid piece until the day comes when there is nothing solid remaining. All you can do is hold your breath for fear that a deep exhale could be too much for it to handle.

My heart has shattered.

After the hammer sent shards flying, all of the pieces crashed onto the ground like a loud rain. The fragments rocked back and forth upon contact, spinning to a stop at their final resting place. Everything is dark. Everything is still. The glass sits on the ground waiting to be swept up. Waiting for someone to glue it back together. But no one is coming. No one heard the crack release it’s hold.

My heart has shattered.

I am the only one in the room now, staring at the broken pieces. I hear your voice and I move forward, edging up to the glass. Delicately at first, unsure of the sounds. You are calling to me, I can hear you. I put all of my weight down on the glass. My feet begin to bleed, and the pain sears through my entire body. It shoots up through my leg and into my chest where I feel a fire so hot I beg for you to stop calling. You say my name. I stop and let my body sink into the shards. You say you love me. And I continue traveling toward you.

My heart has shattered.

I begin to move faster now. Afraid that if I don’t reach you then I may never hear you say these words again. I fall. My hands are bloody, my knees are shaky. I’m wiping up the blood, scrambling to get up. Tears are streaming down my face, not from pain, but from terror. Please, wait for me. I am running to you now, sliding across the broken glass. Less graceful with every step. I need to find you. I can’t loose you. The blood is dripping down my arms now, pouring down my legs. The room doesn’t seem to end. I can still hear you. I am desperate to reach you.

My heart has shattered.

I reach the end of the room, still standing on the few pieces of glass that reached this distant point. I have reached you at last. You look at me, covered in my own blood, tears still staining my face. You stand tall, clean, unfazed by the broken glass surrounding me. You back slowly into the darkness until I can’t see you any longer. I struggled to reach you, fought through the pain, overcame the fears of you. And once I reached you, you left.

My heart has shattered.

I crumple to my knees, still bleeding. An empty expression on my face. Tears, pouring now. My body is sobbing, my heartless chest is aching. Everything suddenly begins to fade away, what little light was in this space is nearly gone. Too many broken pieces on the ground to ever be put back together. You are gone. My heart is gone.

My heart has shattered.

Someday I Will Be 30

Mon, 09 Jul 2012 21:21:00 -0700

Everyone has a checklist of things they would like done before this monumental day, but mine is no where to be found. I had one, once upon a time…I thought I would be married, with children, with a house and a dog. Instead, I live alone in a studio apartment that doesn’t allow dogs, in love with a man who probably has too much going on to really give me what I am looking for, and babies aren’t even on my radar.

For a minute there I felt like a failure. Defeated for messing up the previous unrealistic list. I refuse to admit defeat.

Instead, I will rewrite my list of goals. I still have 9 months to go, and have the tenacity to accomplish these things, the first step is to write them down.

What do I want? This is my life. My story. I am writing the first draft of the next chapter. It may change…Characters will come and go, my definition of happiness might shift, and what defines me as an individual might surprise even myself. But for now, I hope for the following….

I want a bigger apartment. I want a couch and a television. I want to feel like I can invite my friends over and have family crash without sharing my only space.
I want to participate in a marathon. I’ve never cared to do this before, but was recently inspired by a close friend. It’s an accomplishment for myself and my body that no one else can even see.
I want to be in a relationship with someone who loves me. With someone who is proud of our relationship and constantly breathes new life into it. I want to be with someone that gets me, hears me, respects me, and calms me.
I need a fresh start away from all of the drama, all of the pain. I want to walk into a bar without scanning the room to see if there is someone I need to avoid.
I want to be happy. With my mind, my body, my soul. I hope I continue to live life down several crooked and dimly lit paths. I hope I continue to get lost if only to enjoy the feeling of being found again.

These are too broad probably, for someone who will eventually be turning 30. I don’t have a timeline, no dates circled in red. All I can do between now and then is wake up and breathe. Everything else will follow.

It always does.

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Sun, 01 Jul 2012 22:48:22 -0700

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Tue, 19 Jun 2012 10:25:36 -0700

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Mon, 18 Jun 2012 14:24:48 -0700

A Movie for No One

Thu, 14 Jun 2012 14:23:00 -0700

For my life to be the best possible movie, you needed to wait for the last possible second to realize how much you loved me.

But you left.

Then you came back.

And ever since then, my life has been a movie that no one would watch.

I sit in the shadows, a doomed protagonist.

I am the leading lady.

And I deserve a man who treats me as such.

I have become the pathetic friend in someone else’s movie.

The support to you in yours.

If only the movie had ended when you came back.

Then I could imagine the rest of the story in a land known only as Happily Ever After.

Instead, the story goes on.

One that lasts a little too long.

A story that once had people invested and cheering now has people looking for a story with more promise.

For my life to be the best possible movie, the love that I feel from you in private would be punctuated with some enormous gesture.

We would both be redeemed and people would root for us once more.

Or maybe my life isn’t the movie I thought.

Maybe what I always assumed to be a love story is nothing more then a tragic tale.

A disaster that people can’t help but watch.

Maybe my life isn’t a movie at all.

Maybe it’s just life.

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Wed, 13 Jun 2012 20:31:07 -0700

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Tue, 12 Jun 2012 16:22:37 -0700

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Fri, 25 May 2012 10:28:26 -0700

My Fateful Decision

Thu, 24 May 2012 16:06:54 -0700

I don’t believe in fate.

I believe that the choices we make each day determine where we end up. That the answers to each question are not preset, but that the possibilities are endless. I believe that the choices I have made have led me here and all I can do is own this place. Not every choice is good, some are questionable, some hurtful, some immature, some wise. But I no longer sit up late at night questioning my decisions, I have made peace with them. I own this place.

Life is about choices, not destiny. I have not ended up here because I was meant to be here, I am here because I have chosen to be here. No choice is the wrong choice when each choice opens up opportunities that might not otherwise be present. I have been blessed with opportunities, friendships, and experiences based on the daily decisions I make and I believe that at the end of this long life I will not regret opening any of the doors that I have passed through. Where I end up is where I will have chosen to be.

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Wed, 23 May 2012 10:19:50 -0700

I need guidance. I need help. I need patience. I need hope. I need time. I need hugs. I need love. I...

Mon, 21 May 2012 20:29:54 -0700

I need guidance. I need help. I need patience. I need hope. I need time. I need hugs. I need love. I need trust. I need honesty. I need faith. I need a push. I need a challenge. I need freedom. I need music. I need a home run. I need lazy Sundays. I need a halo. I need a rock. I need family. I need sun when it’s cold out. I need dance parties. I need a back seat driver. I need smiles. I need work. I need surprises. I need a chef. I need to fly. I need to be brave. I need to be strong. I need to be loud. I need sunggles. I need to laugh. I need you to be brave. I need nicknames. I need to breathe. I need to run. I need to shutdown. I need to cry. I need to be scared. I need to be important. I need to hide. I need to give. I need to burrow. I need to nest. I need to scream. I need to jump. I need to fall. I need to fail. I need to stand up. I need to be picked up. I need to grow. I need protected. I need sheltered. I need adventure. I need to learn. I need to climb. I need to dive. I need to share. I need to forget. I need to forgive. I need truth.